When Anxiety Says "I Can't": Helping Your Young Person Take the Next Step

If you're a parent of a child, teenager or young adult, there's a good chance you've heard some version of this lately.

"I can't do it."
"I don't want to go."
"I'm going to fail."
"What's the point?"
"I don't know what I'm going to do next year."

Or perhaps the slightly less articulate version: a bedroom door, a hoodie and a grunt that may or may not mean hello.

Underneath it, there may be anxiety. Exams are coming. NCEA results are looming. School feels like too much. Maybe there's a job interview ahead, uncertainty about next year, or perhaps redundancy or job uncertainty in the family too. It's a lot.

But here's what matters. The biggest problem may not be the exam, interview or decision itself. It's the possibility that your young person starts to believe that feeling anxious means they can't cope, and begins organising their life around avoiding that feeling.

What I want for them instead is not a life without anxiety. It's the ability to feel anxious and still take the next step.

Anxiety can be present without being in charge.

Anxiety Isn't the Enemy

Anxiety is a normal human response. It's designed to alert us to possible danger and prepare us to respond.

The difficulty comes when anxiety starts making the decisions.

A young person may think, "I feel anxious, so I shouldn't go." Or, "I'm scared I'll fail, so there's no point trying."

The more they avoid something because of anxiety, the more convincing the anxiety can become. Avoidance often brings immediate relief, but it can also stop someone discovering that what they feared might be manageable after all.

That's why the goal isn't necessarily to make anxiety disappear before your young person does something difficult.

It's to help them discover, "I can feel anxious and still choose what I do next."

The Sneaky Thing Anxiety Does

Anxiety can make everything feel very big and very immediate.

A young person might say, "I can't go to school," when the real difficulty is a particular classroom, a teacher, being watched by other students, getting something wrong, or leaving home.

They might say, "I'm going to fail my exams," when what they really fear is sitting in silence for three hours with everyone else around them.

The label "anxiety" can therefore be a useful starting point, but it isn't always the whole story.

Instead of asking only, "Are you anxious?" try getting curious about what is actually happening.

What are you noticing in your body?
What is your brain predicting will happen?
What is anxiety asking you to do?
What would you choose if anxiety wasn't making the decision?

Then ask, "What's the smallest next step?"

That last question can be surprisingly powerful.

What About "Self Diagnosed" Anxiety?

This is something I'm seeing more often with young people. Sometimes a young person will say, "I have anxiety," and that becomes the explanation for why they can't go to school, sit an exam, attend an interview or do something they don't want to do.

That doesn't mean the anxiety isn't real. It also doesn't mean the label tells us everything we need to know.

Research by Alma Foster and Natasha Ellis (2024) into TikTok inspired self diagnosis found that young people may self diagnose for a range of reasons, including wanting an explanation for what they are experiencing, finding a sense of identity or belonging, seeking validation, or struggling to access professional support. The authors caution against simply dismissing self diagnosis as naivety or attention seeking.

So rather than arguing about whether they "really have anxiety", get curious about what the anxiety is actually doing.

What are they afraid might happen? What are they avoiding? And what would they like to be able to do.

A Young Person Doesn’t Always Fear What You Think They Fear

I've seen this with young people I've worked with.

One 10 year old had experienced the death of a grandparent and became frightened that something would happen to his parents while he was at school. Getting him back into school wasn't about telling him there was nothing to worry about.

We worked gradually. Initially, he spent an hour at school with his dad outside the gate. Then half a day. Eventually, he returned for a full day.

The family also introduced "peaks and pits" at dinner, giving him a regular opportunity to talk about what had gone well and what had felt difficult.

Another young person, 16, appeared confident about upcoming exams. But he was increasingly avoiding school, saying to himself and his parents “I’m anxious. I can’t go” And “I don’t need to sit the exams, I have enough credits”, even though he didn't.

When we looked more closely, the problem wasn't really the exams.

It was going to school. Being out of his comfort zone and interacting with lots of different people. Feeling judged and like he didn't fit in.

That changed the conversation completely.

Instead of asking, "Are you worried about your exams?" the more useful question became, "What specifically feels difficult about being in school”

That's an important distinction. If we misunderstand the problem, we can end up trying to solve the wrong thing.

For some young people, a gradual approach to facing avoided situations can be helpful. Exposure is a recognised part of cognitive behavioural approaches for anxiety, including social anxiety in children and young people.

The key is understanding what the young person is actually struggling with and, where needed, getting appropriate professional support.

What About NCEA and Exams?

Exam season can turn the volume up on everything.

There can be pressure from school, parents, teachers and, sometimes, the young person themselves. Add uncertainty about results, what happens next year and whether they are "good enough", and anxiety can quickly become overwhelming.

Sometimes the most helpful thing a parent can do is reduce the size of the problem.

Instead of: "You need to study. Your exams are coming."
Try: "What's the next thing that would make this feel a little more manageable?"

And remember that support isn't always about pushing harder. If anxiety or another difficulty is significantly affecting a student's ability to access assessment fairly, New Zealand schools can apply for Special Assessment Conditions through NZQA.

And Then There's the Future

For older teenagers and young adults, anxiety may not be about exams at all.

It might be, "What am I going to do next year?"
"What if I choose the wrong career?"
"What if I don't get the job?"
"What if everyone else knows what they're doing and I don't?"

And if there's job uncertainty or redundancy in the family, that uncertainty can feel even bigger.

They don't necessarily need certainty. They need to know they can handle uncertainty.

That's a very different skill.

What If You're Not Sure How Serious It Is?

Parents sometimes wonder whether what they are seeing is normal worry or something that needs professional attention.

There isn't one simple test that answers that question. The GAD-7, for example, can be useful as a screening and conversation tool, but it is not a diagnosis. A health professional can help assess what is actually going on.

If anxiety is persistent, significantly interfering with school, relationships, sleep or everyday life, or your young person is becoming increasingly avoidant, it's worth seeking professional support.

Maybe the Goal Isn't "Less Anxiety"

Maybe the goal is more choice.
Your young person doesn't have to wait until they feel confident before they act.
They can feel nervous and go into the classroom.
They can worry about failing and still sit the exam.
They can feel uncertain and still apply for the job.

They can be anxious and still take the next step.

That doesn't mean ignoring anxiety or forcing someone through something they aren't ready for. It means helping them learn that anxiety is information, not an instruction.

So next time your young person says, "I can't", you might gently ask:
What is your brain predicting?
What is anxiety asking you to avoid?
What matters to you here?

And what is the smallest next step?

Sometimes that next step will be tiny. That's okay. Because the goal isn't to raise a young person who never feels anxious.

It's to help them become someone who knows, "I can feel anxious and still choose what I do next."

It helps to remind them (and yourself): You are in charge of your mind. Your mind doesn't have to control you.

FAQ

How do I know if it's anxiety, or my young person just not wanting to do something?
You often can't tell from the outside, and it doesn't need to be either/or. The more useful question isn't "is this real." It's "what is this asking them to avoid, and what's the smallest step forward regardless." If the worry shows up consistently, not just around one thing they'd rather not do, that's worth raising with a health professional.

What if they won't try even the smallest step?
Then the step is probably still too big. Make it smaller than feels reasonable. Sometimes it isn't about the size of the step at all. It's that "what's the next step" landed as "you don't understand how hard this is for me." When that happens, it usually means the feeling hasn't been heard yet. Naming what you see, "this looks really hard right now," before asking about a step at all, can make more room than the question itself.

Should I stop asking about exams and study altogether?
Not necessarily. Notice whether your questions are adding pressure or reducing it. "What's the next thing that would help" tends to land differently than "have you studied yet."

When does this need more than a parent can manage at home?
If anxiety is persistent, significantly interfering with school, relationships, sleep or everyday life, or your young person is becoming increasingly avoidant, it's worth seeking professional support. This approach works alongside that support. It isn't a replacement for it.

Is it normal for a teenager not to know what they want to do after school?
Yes. Most adults didn't know either. They just stopped being asked the question quite so often.

Sources

Centre for Clinical Interventions, Government of Western Australia, The Vicious Cycle of Anxiety and Overcoming Avoidance.

NICE, Social anxiety disorder: recognition, assessment and treatment, CG159.

Foster, A. & Ellis, N. (2024), TikTok-inspired self-diagnosis and its implications for educational psychology practice, Educational Psychology in Practice, 40(4), 491-508.

NZQA, Special Assessment Conditions.

Healthify NZ, GAD-7 anxiety screening tool.

Categories: : Mind Skills