What do you really want?

Listing what’s wrong is easy. Saying what you really want is a whole other ball game. Here’s why your brain dodges the question.

Yesterday morning, I stared into the pantry for a full three minutes, looking for the coffee beans. Couldn't find them. So naturally my brain went straight to: "Who moved it? Did I lose my mind? Why is this happening to me? I know I bought them. Did I? Now I'm going to be late."

Then I noticed the bag was sitting right on the bench, three inches from my left elbow. Absolute muppet moment.

We do this exact same thing with our goals. We stand there, surrounded by what we don't want, having a full-blown internal drama about it, completely missing the thing right in front of us.

So, do me a favour. Finish this sentence out loud right now:

"What I really want is..."

Go on. Nobody's listening (and if they are, just pretend you're on a phone call).

If what came out of your mouth was "less stress", "to stop feeling so overwhelmed", or "for everyone to stop needing something from me for five minutes", congratulations. You are in very good company.

Listing what's wrong is fast. It's easy. It's a habit. But saying what you actually want? That takes a second.

What the "less" answer actually sounds like

Here's how this plays out in real life. Watch how fast we default to what we want gone, rather than where we're actually trying to go:

"I want to stop worrying about money."
Translation: That's a description of the worry. What do you want in its place?
What you actually want: "To look at the bank account, see the bills are covered for the next three months, and to take a proper, relaxed breath."

"I want to stop feeling so exhausted every day."
Translation: That's just a roll call of your tiredness.
What you actually want: "To wake up before the alarm, feel human, and look forward to what the day brings."

"I want to stop feeling so guilty all the time."
Translation: That's keeping you anchored right in the guilt.
What you actually want: "To shut the laptop at five o'clock, step into my evening, and be completely present with my family."

"I want to stop putting this decision off."
Translation: That just describes the delay, not where you want to land.
What you actually want: "To make the call by Friday, lock it in, and feel completely confident moving forward."

See the difference? The first version tells your mind what you'd like to run away from. The second gives your brain a clear, positive target to head toward.

And if the second version felt harder to write or say, don't worry-there's nothing wrong with you. That's the whole point. In NLP, where you're heading is where we start, before we touch a single technique.

Even when you think you have an answer... it's partly a guess

Here's the catch. Deciding what you want means trying to predict how Future You is going to feel once you get it.

Psychologists Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert wrote a superb paper on this exact glitch. The title says it all: "Affective Forecasting: Knowing What to Want". Turns out, humans are notoriously crap at predicting what'll actually make them happy down the track.

A prediction is still just a guess. You can't test a decision until you're actually living in it. So before you spend six months grinding toward a goal, it's worth taking a proper second look.

This is also why we get trapped in overthinking. Going round and round in circles about which job, which house, or which decision to make is often just a sneaky way of avoiding the real question underneath: What do I actually need here?

Researchers Kennon Sheldon and Andrew Elliot looked into what happens when we pick goals that actually line up with our own values, rather than what we think we should want. Surprise, surprise-people put in more sustained effort and feel a heck of a lot better when they arrive. It's a pretty solid reason to check if a goal actually fits before you break your neck trying to reach it.

Two questions to test your goal

Take the thing you say you want (or the thing you've been endlessly cycling through in your head) and ask yourself this:

1. What do I really want?

2. "What would having that give me?

Then, take your answer and ask it again.

It usually goes something like this:
"I want a promotion."
What would that give me? "More money."
What would more money give me? "Room to breathe."

Boom. If that final answer catches you off guard, that's where the gold is. You thought you were chasing a fancy title, but what you were actually starving for was room to breathe. And once you know that, you realise there might be three or four different ways to get room to breathe that don't involve working 60 hours a week for a job you don't even like.

Write your real answer down in your own words. State it in the positive. Read it out loud. If it sounds like something you'd say to a friend over coffee, you're on the right track. If it sounds like a corporate mission statement, throw it out and try again.

It's a simple move we use in mind skills coaching to peel back the surface goal and find what's really driving the bus.

Where the real work sits

Knowing what you want is only the first step. Underneath any stuck goal, there are usually three core questions:

What do I realy want?

Why does it matter to me?

What's been getting in the way?

Most people half-answer the first one, ignore the other two, and then wonder why they're running on a treadmill going nowhere.

If you feel like you've been spinning your wheels lately, I've put together a quick, short quiz on the site. You pick what's been draining your energy, answer four quick questions, and it'll show you what's actually keeping you stuck so you can start pivoting out of it.

Take the free quiz here to see what's holding you back What's Really Keeping You Stuck? Free 90-Second Assessment

Your result page also gives you all the details on my live "Before You Try Harder, Get Clear on What You Really Want" workshop running at the end of October, where we get properly stuck in and sort this out together. https://www.mindskillsmastery....

Frequently Asked Questions

Why is it so hard to say what I really want?

Our minds are wired to spot problems and threats first, so listing what's wrong or what we want to avoid comes naturally. Stating a positive goal requires us to imagine a future state and predict how we'll feel, which takes more deliberate mental effort.

What is the difference between an away-from goal and a towards-goal?

An away-from goal focuses on what you want to eliminate or escape (e.g., "I want to stop feeling stressed"). A towards-goal gives your mind a clear, positive target to move toward (e.g., "I want to finish work at 5:00 PM and enjoy a relaxed evening"). In mind coaching and NLP, towards-goals give your brain actionable direction rather than just describing the problem.

What is Affective Forecasting in psychology?

Affective forecasting, a concept developed by psychologists Timothy Wilson and Daniel Gilbert, refers to our ability-or frequent inability-to predict how we will feel in the future after reaching a goal. Because our predictions are often guesses, it helps to test and refine our goals before investing months of effort into them.

How can I find out what I really want beneath a surface goal?

A simple way to uncover what's driving a surface goal is to ask yourself: "What would having that give me?" Once you get an answer, ask the same question again. This technique peels back the initial desire (like a job promotion) to reveal the deeper emotional need underneath (like room to breathe or creative freedom).

Sources & Further Reading

Sheldon, K. M., & Elliot, A. J. (1999). Goal striving, need satisfaction, and longitudinal well-being: The self-concordance model. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 76(3), 482-497.

Wilson, T. D., & Gilbert, D. T. (2005). Affective forecasting: Knowing What to Want. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 14(3), 131-134.

Categories: : Goals